In today’s post, I’m sharing how I used Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help me meet a part of myself protecting me from burnout. Working with this part and another manager part helped me to navigate a common paralyzing crossroads created by perfectionism – overcoming an “all-or-nothing” mindset.

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100 Liminal Days is an experimental project of embracing my current transitional season after exiting my business by sharing an honest, real-time account of my self-initiation experience in daily posts. I’m using The Artist’s Way as a guiding tool, and sending shorter weekly recaps only via my newsletter. Visit Day 1/100 to learn more and sign up to get the weekly recaps delivered to your inbox.

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I was introduced to Internal Family Systems (IFS) a year and a half ago, and although I initially used this form of self-therapy with a coach, I have tried practicing it more on my own. I’m still learning, but I’ve found this to be another powerful element of my “liminal days toolkit,” if you will. 🙂 Here’s how I used IFS to learn how to behave as my Self and mediate between two parts of me that were creating decision paralysis and inner conflict.

A Brief Intro to Internal Family Systems

Let’s start with a very brief primer on IFS. Internal Family Systems is a therapeutic approach developed by Richard Schwartz that recognizes we all have multiple “parts” or sub-personalities with their own perspectives, feelings, and roles in our inner system.

These parts aren’t problems to fix. They’re protectors trying to help us, usually using strategies they learned when we were younger.

There are three main types of parts, and then there is, of course, the true Self.

• Managers – These parts try to prevent pain before it happens. They create structure, set standards, maintain control, and keep us “productive” or “safe.” (Think: your inner perfectionist, planner, or critic)
• Firefighters – These parts react quickly when we’re already overwhelmed. They extinguish emotional fires through immediate relief strategies. (Think: impulse behaviors, numbing, distraction, or anything that brings fast comfort)
• Exiles – These are younger, vulnerable parts holding painful emotions from the past. Both managers and firefighters work to keep these parts from being felt.
• Self – This is your core essence – the calm, curious, compassionate presence that can lead when parts step back. Self isn’t a part; it’s the real you underneath all the parts.

When parts are in conflict (polarized), Self can help them communicate and find solutions that honor everyone’s (that is all your parts’) needs. Instead of forcing parts to change, we get curious about what they’re trying to protect us from. This process becomes an active way to resolve unsettling emotions without ignoring or dismissing them.

Finding Myself in a Gridlock

Today, I had coffee with a friend and then went to my weekly chiropractic appointment before coming home to start my routines including writing this post, logging practice time for my qigong teacher training, meditating, praying, and working out. But once I got home, I felt so tempted to just eff off the rest of the day. I really felt this way yesterday, too, so when I noticed it again today, I started getting curious about what was really going on.

I recognized that a part of me really wanted to rest today, but another part of me was quick to remind me of my commitment to 100 Liminal Days, my teacher training, my workouts, and my spiritual practices. The voices of each of these parts was equally aggressive in their persuasion, and the result was a gridlock. I felt stuck between a decision to do all the things or give in and do nothing the rest of the day – until I tried a little self-therapy in the form of an IFS session.

I decided to start by seeing if I could engage with the part that wanted to eff off. At first blush, you’d assume this part is a problem. It definitely was the one I am used to ignoring more often. It feels like the other part is the good part, wanting me to be disciplined and committed to my healthy practices. But Schwartz’s aptly named book, No Bad Parts, reminds us that all of our parts have good intentions. They just often have outdated ways of protecting us.

Finding the Part Using the 6 F’s

1. Find

To begin an IFS session, I close my eyes, take three deep breaths released with a sigh, then settle into my seat. Then, I say a word or phrase that sounds like what I was hearing from this “part of me” that was tempting me to take the day off. I tune into my body and see if I notice any sensations. In this case, I just felt like this ball of tension was floating around inside my head.

2. Focus

From there, I tune into that part of my body and thank this part for being here. (Yes, it feels weird to do this!)

3. Flesh Out

Next, I ask this part how old it thinks I am. I sit and wait to see what intuitively comes to mind. No thinking, just seeing what bubbles up. This part “responded” with “20 years old.” I let myself visual the 20-year-old version of Amber. She is working two jobs – one full-time and one part-time job. After the full-time job, she goes home to change clothes, sometimes takes a 20-minute power-nap, and then heads to the next job. She has been living on her own – no roommate, no help from parents or anyone else – for a couple of years now. She works two jobs because she has to, and she’s proud of being independent. But she also feels like she has no choice. This is necessary for survival. This version of Amber is hardworking, but often tired and doesn’t have a lot of time for much of a life.

4. Feel Toward

I take a moment to notice how I feel toward this 20-year-old version of myself. If I felt critical or annoyed, that is a sign that there is another part present. In this case, I didn’t feel those things – I felt compassion for her. I felt a little sadness that she had to work like this at such a young age. I am calling this part the Chill Out Part.

5. Befriend (Friend)

Then, I tell her how I know that season of life was hard for us and it sucks that I had to work two jobs right out of high school to make ends meet. To clarify further, and to build a little rapport with the part, I tell the Chill Out Part that I am actually 44 years old. (This is a regular part of IFS – reminding the parts that we are older, wiser, and that we can handle much more than we could at these younger ages.) I tell this part that I’m not trying to shut it down, I’m interested in understanding its job for me.

6. Find Out

Then, I moved into the phase where I start asking specific questions and wait to see what comes up. Here’s a snippet of that dialogue:

Me: What are you trying to protect me from?

Chill Out Part: Burning out. My job is to protect you from burnout, and I’m worried right now.

Me: Thank you for doing that for me. What are you afraid will happen if I don’t decide to eff around the rest of the day?

Chill Out Part: I think you are going to overwork and end up back in the same boat you’ve been in the past. All this discipline, even with your self-initiated project, is a lot to take on.

Me: Okay, yes. I understand that concern. I want you to know – today isn’t like when I was 20. I’m not going to work myself to death. The habits I want to do today are actually REST for my nervous system (qigong, meditation, prayer). What if the habits ARE the relaxation? What if you don’t have to protect me FROM them? Can we try this: I’ll do 10 minutes of qigong. If I feel more tense after, you can do what you need to do. If I feel more relaxed, will you trust that?

Perfectionism Enters the Chat

At this point, the Chill Out Part agreed that this made sense and was open to the shorter qigong practice and then we could decide, but that other part of me – the disciplined, manager part – started talking again. The Disciplined Part starts in with, “10 minutes is not enough! Your goal is 45 minutes and you also have a back workout to do, meditation, prayer, and the daily post. Only after you do all of those things can you take it easy.”

This activated the Chill Out Part again. It’s response was, “see, this is exactly why I need to protect you (us). This Disciplined Part is never going to let us rest. We might as well eff off now instead of spending the day wrestling with the “shoulds.”

So, I turned attention to the Disciplined Part.

Me to the Disciplined Part: I hear you wanting me to do the full practice. I understand you want me to be disciplined and consistent with my training and commitments. But right now, this all-or-nothing approach is making it harder for me to do any of it. This other part of me hears you and wants me to give up entirely. Would you be willing to step back and let me try a 10-minute experiment? I’m not abandoning the full practice forever, just trying to prevent a shutdown today. Can you trust me to start small?

DP: Yep, I can agree to that. But I hope you keep going!

As my true Self, I decided to do 10 minutes of qigong.

And Then What Happened?

Despite some resistance from the Disciplined Part, I was thankful to my parts for giving me a chance to try 10 minutes before giving up. I turned on my qigong training videos and ended up doing the full 45-minutes because it felt good and it was helping me relax.

And, while I was doing it, an idea for an art project popped into my mind! After that, I even felt like writing this blog post!

I didn’t do ALL of the things my disciplined part wants me to do today, but instead of nothing, I got two more key habits completed for the day. Using IFS helped me break out of gridlock and take action from an authentic place – and both parts were able to see that they can trust me (Self) to lead.

I’m likely to encounter this again, but now I know the parts, can continue conversing with them when I feel this polarization, and keep moving forward while honoring what I need and showing appreciation for the parts of me that are still maturing. That feels damn good even if I didn’t check all of my boxes today.

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