This project is challenging, and because I’ve committed to learning in public and sharing the honest, real-time experience, today’s post seems to ask more questions than offer answers. I don’t want to write, but I want to be disciplined. And yet, I’m asking myself if this is just another way I’m avoiding actually living my life.

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100 Liminal Days is an experimental project of embracing my current transitional season after exiting my business by sharing an honest, real-time account of my self-initiation experience in daily posts. I’m using The Artist’s Way as a guiding tool, and sending shorter weekly recaps only via my newsletter. Visit Day 1/100 to learn more and sign up in the footer of this page to get the weekly recaps delivered to your inbox.

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Today, I feel a bit like I’m unraveling. Perhaps that’s normal for the 29th day of a 100-day commitment. I’ve never committed to anything like this before, so I can’t be too sure. I’m questioning my subconscious motives for doing this experimental project. I’m aware of some feelings of loneliness, and I’m wondering why I’m really doing this. Is this purposeful discipline or self flagellation?

Lots of Wins This Week

It is Friday, and so far this week, I have kicked ass with my commitments. I’ve meditated and prayed every day for a total of 31 minutes or more and practiced qigong each morning. I have been on my solo hike/Artist Date. Not counting this post, I have written and published more than 4,100 words on my blog since Monday. I have lifted weights and done cardio workouts. I’ve eaten well, gotten plenty of sleep, and have had a low screen time. Last night, I ate a big death cookie by clearing the air with a friend I was feeling misaligned with. A couple of friends and I also kicked off the wealth mastermind yesterday. And tomorrow morning, I’m excited to attend my first qigong teacher training class.

The death cookie conversation last night went well. I won’t go into details about that, but it really did go as well as I could have imagined, so I am grateful for that. I slept well and woke up feeling ready to dive into my well-structured, time-blocked day. I wrote my Daily Pages and purged any remaining thoughts from last night into my journal. I practiced qigong in the grass as I always do.

Emily and I share a car, so my next task was to drop her off at an airport north of Austin where she was leaving for an airshow this weekend. On the way there, she was studying since she would be testing and piloting the Devil Dog B-25, so I just listened to music and drove.

And then, today, I feel like I’m unraveling. What I mean is that I have struggled to keep that incredible momentum going and I feel “off.” I journaled that I didn’t know why I feel this way. I kept writing and digging, and although I don’t necessarily have the answer now, I think I’m asking some important questions.

What Derailed My Day?

It seems that what I consumed today, triggered a change in the state of my mind and emotions, as well as ate into time I had allocated for other things.

Once I dropped Em off, I cued up a podcast that has been on my list to check out – a recent Diary of a CEO interview with Mo Gawdat, an ex-Google X executive who has authored several bestselling books and is a leading voice on AI. His view is a mix of warning or caution and optimism, and he believes that AI has the ability to usher humanity into a utopian future – only he says we’ll have a temporary dystopia for 12-15 years before that happens. The podcast is two and a half hours long and my drive was only 40 minutes, but by then I was hooked and had to keep listening.

This not only threw me off my tight time-blocked schedule, it put me in a headspace that is hard for me to explain, but essentially took over my thoughts. I wasn’t feeling negatively, but the term “mind blown” sounds right.

I ate lunch late, adjusted my schedule to accommodate for the lost time, and sat down to meditate and pray. Check. Now it’s time to write. I journaled to prepare myself as I often do, and the flood of words that came out were full of questions I didn’t know were there until they spilled onto my page.

I listened/watched the podcast and then sort of felt like, “What am I doing? Why am I so hellbent on this personal development stuff?” And I realize I am not enjoying nature enough, not enjoying my life enough. I have all I need in terms of material things and access to services and opportunities, and I am spending weeks on end at home, writing thousands of words that are mostly only read by myself.

And then in another section:

If I’m being really honest, I think this mastermind is triggering me a little. I want to change my relationship with money, and I’m also resisting the change. I keep coming back to this belief that I have enough, and wanting more is greedy. I’ve come from nothing. And now I am in a safe place financially. Yet, I feel an obligation to earn more money. Not for myself, but for others. Do I really want money? Or do I think I’m supposed to want it?

And then in another section:

Today has been weird. Did something in that podcast interview with Mo Gawdat trigger a part of me? It was a lot to take in – it was almost 3 hours long. And it was big, heavy, hard to understand topics. I’m not sure how to name what I’m feeling. There is a part of me that feels like I have been taking myself and my “work” too seriously.

I went from feeling lost and unsure what to give my energy to, to discovering a way [this 100 Liminal Days project] to give myself an outlet and some structure and going all in on it. And I do still very much want to get through 100 days of this – to prove to myself I can do it, but of course, mostly to see what changes in me as I do it.

I can already see my evolution happening when I look back at the old journals. This is the real deal. My life is changing. And I still have days I want to just BE versus DO. Today is one of those days. I feel like I’m forcing myself to write this blog today and I really just want to do something else. Am I whipping my own back too hard? Too often?

Another excerpt:

If I’m being really honest, I feel like my life has become more spiritual than physical. This is amazing on one hand and lonely on the other. The time I am spending in solitude is powerful and beneficial. But like anything, I must learn to ebb and flow between the poles of the extremes. I think I need to get out of my head for a bit. But not until after I write my blog post.

Gosh, I can be so hard on myself. I see that… and yet, I feel like this is what I am supposed to do right now. There is a part of me wondering if this whole project is just an intellectual, sophisticated way of avoiding the real purpose of existence – living my life. I’ll sit with that thought. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

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