Two juxtaposed experiences of seeking external validation revealed to me that old fears are still present and trying to interfere with how I show up in the world, but noticing and naming that fear is also a form of huge progress. These experiences reminded me that rewiring how we view ourselves takes time and repetition – and sometimes the gift of an objective perspective.

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Yesterday I took an important step toward forming my business as a qigong teacher – opening a business checking account for Embracing the Tree, LLC.

Before I could open my account, I hired a registered agent, filed with the Secretary of State, wrote up an operating agreement, applied for my Employer Identification Number, and completed some forms with the Texas Comptroller’s office. The whole process is fairly dry and mundane aside from that little twinge of pain from forking over a few hundred dollars to get things rolling.

But when it came time to show up in person at the bank to open my account, a deeper realization of what I am doing began to sink in and spark some feelings of excitement. “I’m actually doing this,” I told myself. The first moment when I had to tell someone else about my business was when the banker asked me to describe my services and my estimated revenue.

Re-patterning Takes Repetition and Deliberate Practice

It took me an awkward moment to begin speaking my new truth. As I first attempted to describe my business, I noticed an old fear crop up. “What will they think of me?” I explained what qigong is and had to tell him how to spell it. I added that my business also includes writing and art, and I gave an estimate of my first year’s expected revenue. The banker responded with curiosity about qigong, but I could tell he didn’t have a clue what I was doing and calling a “business”. A part of me thought, “this isn’t a serious business,” and I assumed he was thinking the same.

So, I felt a need to offer more context and told him how I had built and grown a business over the last 10 years before selling last year. I told him I had published one book and had intentions to write another. In the moment, I told myself that this context was just to set up for sharing that I burned out in my previous role and that qigong helped me recover from burnout.

But the truth is that I brought my past accomplishments into the conversation because I thought it earned me more respect and credibility. I felt myself in that old pattern of looking for evidence of my self-worth in how others respond to me.

When I needed to repeat the details about my services to the second banker who joined the meeting to tell me about the other business services the bank offered, I watched her facial expression closely as I spoke. I sensed a part of me that first wanted to hide, then wanted to be liked and accepted by her. She seemed intrigued about what I was doing, especially when I shared that it helped with burnout. I saw the face of someone who desired a solution to her own feelings of burnout symptoms.

As I reflect on how I felt in this interaction, I am reminded that reprogramming how we think and act takes repetition and deliberate practice. My default mode for many years has been to carry my self-worth in my accomplishments and external validation. Even though I’ve made a conscious decision to change that core belief and see my innate self-worth and value as a person without being propped up by what I produce, the tendency to my default mode is still there.

My Body Becomes External Validation of My Transformation

Today, I had another similar experience of looking for external validation, only this time it came from an objective perspective. Instead of validating myself through my past identity and accomplishments, my new identity and truest essence was seen without the filter of these past achievements.

As part of my qigong teacher certification training, I had an assessment with a form coach this morning. The assessment required me to perform a list of qigong stances and movements for the coach who would then offer correction and guidance on my form as needed. As I demonstrated the exercises and received some helpful nuanced feedback here and there, I began to feel my confidence shift.

She asked if I was a yogi because of my flexibility. What in the world? I’ve always thought of myself as not very flexible at all, but hearing this reminded me of how much physical tension I have released through soul work and body attunement over the last year plus. I thought to myself, “I haven’t just changed mentally and emotionally, my physical body has changed.”

That comment about flexibility shocked me. I’ve carried this identity of being ‘not flexible’ for decades. I saw it as just a fact about my body, like having blonde hair or being left-handed. But here was external evidence that the soul work I’ve been doing has been changing me on every level, even in ways I couldn’t perceive from the inside or even imagine was possible. My body has been transforming along with my identity, releasing what I no longer needed to carry.

The South African-based coach commented further saying I was “beautiful to watch” and that I did my forms “exceptionally well.” She closed with telling me I was ready to teach and that she was happy to hear that I’m already making videos and putting myself out there. I felt proud of myself and thankful for her correction, affirmation, and encouragement – not just in general, but because she was encouraging the new me from an objective point of view. She offered – through observation – the physical proof of transformation. To be seen and understood – even in my weirdest gifts – felt so good.

It’s as if the table turned – at the bank, I was not yet seen in the new way I see myself and want to be seen, but in this moment with the coach, she could see the new me – something tangible in me that I hadn’t realized was there. It can be difficult to measure internal shifts like what I’ve made over the last year or so, but the body doesn’t lie. And my body continues to show me that I’m on the right track.

I believe my liminality is closing because I have clarity about what to do next, but what these experiences have taught me is that I am still in the middle space. The difference is that I’m not lost in the middle anymore. Naming and noticing fear and acknowledging that I am still finding my footing on the other side of my canyon is progress. Noticing what’s present for me precedes my ability to overwrite those fears with clarity.

I’m learning to tell the difference between the validation that drives me to prove myself and the validation that simply sees me. One makes me reach backward for evidence. The other invites me forward into what’s already becoming true.

My body apparently knew I was ready before I knew. And maybe that’s how this works – transformation leaves evidence in places we’re not yet looking. I’m learning to trust what my body knows, even when my mind is still catching up.

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My 100 Liminal Days project has wrapped up, but the writing continues! Sign up for my email newsletter for weekly summaries of posts, weekly qigong practice videos, and updates on events online and in Austin.