Building on Day 79/100 when I offered some ways to honor and release an old identity, let’s explore how we can release another common identity holding us back – the fixer identity. People-pleasers often create a trap for ourselves to avoid the real question we need to sit with: What do I actually want?

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100 Liminal Days is an experimental project of embracing my current transitional season after exiting my business by sharing an honest, real-time account of my self-initiation experience in daily posts. Visit Day 1/100 to learn more and sign up to get the weekly recaps delivered to your inbox.

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People-Pleasing: The Origins of the Fixer Identity

In conversations with others, I’ve noticed that many folks self-identify as people-pleasers. Most usually can acknowledge that this holds them back from their goals, but the way this is usually stated tells me that most of us have conditioned ourselves to simply accept this characteristic in ourselves. I think we do this because we subconsciously see our people-pleasing tendencies as a virtue and a purposeful, helpful character strength versus something we ought to release.

But if we know this tendency gets in our way, why do we hold onto it so tightly?

I mean, who could blame us? As children, we are rewarded for being helpful – help your mom clean the house or unload the car and you’re likely to receive praise and acknowledgement. This kind of behavior is often validated over time, too – helpers learn to anticipate needs and jump in quickly, even before being asked because it feels good to be needed. As they grow up, helpers learn that being the one that helps gives its own kind of dopamine hit.

As a CEO or leader, solving problems is our core responsibility. Fixing things, helping others grow and achieve their goals, and constantly optimizing every process fuels company growth. I think that my desire to help others was a key part of my success in business. This isn’t a bad thing, but attaching our own personal value as a human being to our ability to fix problems is a well-hidden blocker keeping us from our full potential.

The Energy Leak

I have talked about how our soul proprioception (our inner knowing of who we are, what we want, and where we are going) becomes injured when we are in that part of life that comes right after an ending of some kind but before a new beginning has fully formed. We lose our sense of time and may lose sight of our North Star, a defining purpose. The cause of this is typically some form of a lingering fixer identity getting triggered. In this in-between, we no longer have obvious problems to solve or issues to fix, so we start looking for ways to “make ourselves useful” and solve others’ problems. The result is a nicking away of our sense of self.

The root of this conundrum lies in this: restoring our soul proprioception requires energy directed inward to sense who we really are, and the fixer identity constantly directs energy outward.

As fixers, we allocate so much energy toward sensing the needs of others and sniffing out external problems to solve that we can’t sense our own needs anymore. If you struggle to identify what you like, want, or feel, this may be a signal that you are grasping onto a fixer identity. But to move through the liminal space, we must restore an understanding of who we are, what we want, and where we are going.

How People-Pleasing Masks Our Purpose

As mentioned, fixing feels like purpose. I leaned into this big time as a business leader, but I also have done this in my personal life.

• A friend shared about struggles in a relationship; I shared how I solved a similar problem and immediately offered ideas for discussion.
• Another friend vented about their employee who wasn’t meeting expectations; I offered to come by and talk to the team and recommend new processes and tools for efficiency.
• A guy who has been living in a tent a block away from me for the last two years tells me how cold it got last night and I give him my expensive Pendleton blanket and a pair of my warmest socks.

These responses to problems sound virtuous and gave me a sense of purpose, but the truth is that it was borrowed purpose. If I am solving others’ problems constantly, then I am living in service of their agenda, and my real dharma gets buried under everyone else’s needs.

It’s easy to see why we people-pleasers just keep giving. But anyone who has done this knows there is an exhaustion that sets in when we are chronically fixing others problems. And conversely, when we are living in alignment with our own unique purpose, our energy feels more like a steady flow that allows us to give something deeply special from a more authentic place within our soul.

This is what we want, but when we stop fixing, a deep, unsettling discomfort fills us as we realize we don’t know how to answer questions like “Who am I if I’m not helping?”

Signs You’re Stuck In a Fixer Identity

So, you may already know if you are stuck in this pattern, but for clarity, here are a few tell-tale signs that it’s time to consider releasing this fixer identity.

• You notice others’ hang-ups, problems and areas for improvement almost like second nature
• You feel guilty when you prioritize your own needs, especially if those needs involve rest or anything that doesn’t have a defined output involved
• You volunteer for things before being asked, or if you are asked, you say yes without evaluating your schedule, desires, or other commitments and goals
• You secretly feel resentful but keep quiet and carry on
• When you allow yourself downtime or relaxation, you spend that time planning how you can help or serve others
• You struggle to answer the broad question of “What do you want?”

I personally experienced all of the above at some point or another, but almost all of these were still very active in me when I first exited my business. And surprisingly, the side effect of not knowing what I wanted was shame. In my mind, feeling dissatisfied with where I was and still not being able to define what I actually wanted meant that I wasn’t grateful for what I already had. (This was shame’s lie.)

When I finally noticed that my fixer identity was detracting from my real purpose, I made a decision to let that version of me go. I could honor her and thank her because that drive to solve problems served me well for many years, but the next level for me required a release of this fixer mentality.

A Shift to Serving Out of Abundance

I came across a powerful Instagram Reel several weeks ago. This young guy was sharing something his therapist taught him using the metaphor of a teacup on a saucer. The therapist poured a cup of tea into the cup and handed it to him. She told him something along the lines of, “This cup is for you. When the cup overflows, the saucer catches the overflow. This is for others. We give out of our abundance, not from our cup.”

This paints the picture vividly. When helping comes from the overflow of our full cup, our energy flows because we are living from our most authentic self. If this resonates, here are two experimental practices to try as you redefine who you are.

#1: Practice Mindfulness Questions

To change our mindset and shift our behavior, it can be helpful to incorporate a daily practice of asking ourself small questions about what we want, then build to bigger questions. “What do I want for lunch?” or “What show do I want to watch tonight?” Then maybe, “What do I want to create?” or “What kind of work would be most fulfilling to me?”

Do this and notice how hard it is to answer without referencing others’ needs. Practice going inward to see what you truly desire.

#2: Practice Speaking Boundaries

Another key step toward identifying your own desires is to learn where the demarcation lines ought to be – that is, the difference between what you want and need and what others want and need. When you notice a problem or someone asks for your help solving their problem, take a pause. Remind yourself to give from the overflow, not the cup, and ask yourself, “How full is my cup?” Unless you can say that it is overflowing, don’t volunteer to get involved.

If someone is surprised by your sudden change of behavior, (I’ve been there!) try explaining that you are on a journey to understand yourself better, and part of that work requires you to reserve more energy for that inner work. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, and “No.” is a complete sentence. There may be energy vampires who balk at your changed approach, but if you can accept that and choose yourself anyway, speaking your boundaries can be so empowering.

If you are ready to release your people-pleasing tendencies, you might also check out these other two practices for honoring and releasing an old identity. And remember, protecting your own inner sanctuary is a key step toward moving through the liminal space and embodying your truest self and your greatest calling.

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